Red Bull Salzburg vs DPRK

FC Luzern has in the last week played against two members of what former US president GWB called the ‘axis of evil’ – Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) and FC Red Bull Salzburg (the Austrian branch of the Red Bull Soccer franchise). It is not clear why Big Walter decided to take on two of Darth Vader’s teams in a single week though one possible explanation would be that compared to what goes on in the back yards of our opponents the decision to install a plastic pitch in the new ground seems like a shining example of direct democracy. Just a pity that Al-Qaeda FC blew up their own team bus and both Mordor and FC Sion were busy elsewhere or we could have had an entire tournament against the dark side.

So, which is worst, a totalitarian Stalinist dictatorship or corporate murderers of football? It is such a close call that JCBT decided to dig in deeper and do a proper comparison.

Event One: Leaders

Kim Jong-Il

Although technically the Eternal President of the Republic Kim Il-Sung is dead he remains in charge. But since no great nation can be controlled from a mausoleum Kim Jong-il stepped in and filled his father the Eternal President’s uncomfortable North Korean plateau shoes as the new Supreme Leader.

Just as french president Sarkozy Kim Jong-Il is a bit embarrassed by his limited stature, he has been reported to have a preference for platform shoes. Though clearly a fashion faux-pas this has not made him less popular with the local ladies. There are at least three known mistresses, amongst them one he had kidnapped and subsequently managed to ‘convince’ to leave her husband.

In a former role the Supreme Leader was as the head of special forces involved in international terrorism, killing 115 people by blowing up a Korean Airline plane. Kim Jong-Il is also a fantastic golfer, according to the North Korean news agency he routinely shoots 3-4 hole in ones per round. Evil rumours planted by western spies have it that at least one of these hole-in-ones was a double bogey.
Evil score: 8/10

Dietrich Mateschitz
Selfmade billionare who made his fortune selling a caffienated sugar drink as a sports accessory/ vodka mixer. Dietrich has a reputation of avoiding traditional mass media ad campaigns marketing his products – he instead favours unconventional stunts that get ‘free’ media coverage. One such stunts was to buy a perfectly respectable football club and turn it in to a corporate billboard.
Evil score 2/10

Event two: Music

Aegukka (The Patriotic Song) It is hard not to go all teary-eyed and dream of the Supreme Leaders hole-in-ones when State Merited Chorus of the Korean People’s Army belts out The Patriotic Song.

Lyrics highlight:
Breasting the raging waves with soaring strength.
Let us glorify forever this Korea,
Limitlessly rich and strong.
Evil score 1/10. Not evil at all really.

Huber von Goisern’s club anthem. This abomination for a song starts slowly with a pointless drum machine beat that seems to last for an eternity. It later adds lame guitar riffs and synths so cheesy that even an 80’s porn film producer would have been too embarrased to use. As for the ’singing’, one possible explanaiton would be a native american indian song as interpreted by a fat Austrian after ten vodka redbull.

Lyrics Highlights:
Haaioo, Hai Haaaioo
Haaioo Hai Hai Haaay Haaaayy.

Evil score 10/10

Event Three: Potential Future Evil impact

The Peoples Republic of Korea is living in the past. Autoritarian Socialism has been roundly rejected by the people of all other states that have tried it. Apart from sending a couple of missiles on their Southern neighbours the evil future capabilities are very limited. Chances are that when Kim Il-Jong joins his dad in the mausoleum the people of the North will be able to drink Red Bull just like the rest of us.
Evil score 4/10

While the Red Bull takeover of Austria Salzburg was initially applauded by the fans it soon became clear that the new owners were different from past investors in football.The club logo was changed to align with coroprate branding, the team colours changed from violet to red and white. The company even initiated an historical revisionism that would have made Kim Il-Jong proud by wiping out any trace of history prior to the takeover.

UEFA and Austrian FA have only made limited attempts to moderate the impact, the club was forced to admit that it existed before 2005 and when it plays in Europe it is simply called FC Salzburg.

Red Bull the company is behaving quite rationally. They have for a relatively small investment been able to get huge meda coverage. There is nothing evil investing in football at all – most fans would applaud local business supporting their local team. However, Red Bull have with their insistance to re-brand and change the colours of the club – against the will of its supporters – passed a line that so far had been respected.

You do not change our club’s and in extension our own identity for pure commercial gain.
Evil score 6/10

So who won? Well, if Huber von Goisern hadn’t let down his team with that stinker of a song then DPRK would have walked away with it.

Final Evil score: Red Bull Salzburg 18 DPRK 13