Sion Merde Allez owner Christian Constantin has decided that he doesn’t have enough power – in other words he can no longer build holiday homes for rich foreigners wherever he wants. To rectify this problem he has proposed that Valais, which became part of the Swiss Confederation in 1815, ought to become an independent sovereign state, in a similar way to Liechtenstein. The unspoken message here, or at least the way JCBT sees it, is that Constantin will be its King!
King Constantin. Such a lovely alliterate name for the man who would be King.
King Constantin, as he wises to be known, has already stated that that “while we accept the decisions of the Swiss people and the parliament, I simply note that Valais think differently than the rest of the country.” He is not wrong there.
JCBT have been monitoring the situation can already now present what is likely to be the first 10 laws that he will pass on the day that Valais cross the threshold of independence.
1. Allow siblings to marry.
It is more or less common know that Sion and its surrounding valleys is Switzerland’s answer to Swindon, the UK’s capital of inbreeding. Living in a valley tends to limit the number of potential partners – so might just as well make it all legal. After all FC Sion is already one big family in their own words.
2. Citizens of Valais no longer needs consent from goats to marry them
In Valais, and especially Sion, it is not uncommon that they run out of family members to marry. These family members who remain unmarried tend to suffer with depression. A common way of helping them through this depression is to marry one of the many goats that inhabit Valais. The best looking goats will always have a number of suitors to choose from. This new law would make the process more efficient and remove the time consuming effort of courtship which would often involve getting the goat drunk on bad Fendant.
3. No need for planning permission to construct holiday homes
As long as they are built by King Constantin Construction. King Constantin made his fortune in the construction of holiday homes in Valais. Aside from being a supreme leader and an excellent owner of a football club he is also a construction magnate. Where does he find the time?
4. Declare war on UEFA. Again.
King Constantin doesn’t like UEFA and has little regard for their rules. When UEFA imposed a transfer ban for the illegal signing of Essam El-Hadary he went ahead and signed a load of players anyway (because Sion can never have enough!) going to war with UEFA in the process. They were slapped with a 36 point ban.
It’s worth noting that of the 6 players King Constantin signed to earn this penalty 4 have already left the club. Stefan Glarner has moved on to FCZ, Pascal Feindouno has left the club having played just 570 minutes, Billy Ketkeophomphone is now at Tours and Gabri left the club having made just 5 appearances.
5. Each village in the new kingdom will be forced to construct a new airport.
Only one plane will be allowed to use the valley airspace, King Constantins’. It is amazing how many holiday homes you can sell to foreigners when you have the only airplane in the country. It also makes it much easier to sign players who are already on contracts with other clubs.
6. Subjects of King Constantin must refer to him as King Constantin at all times.
Anybody caught disobeying this order will be whipped. Whippings will take place at half time at the Stade Tourbillon. Following the whipping the perpetrator will be sent to live in Geneva and undergo severe ideological retraining
7. Subjects must display a framed photograph of King Constantin in their homes at all times.
The photo should be larger and more prominently positioned than all other pictures/art. Failure to do so will result in being forced to go and live in Geneva and undergo severe ideological retraining. Subjects lucky enough to live in a comfortable home built by King Constantin Construction Company will be excempt as their wallpaper will feature his majesty in all his glory.
8. Ferraris will always have priority in traffic.
Refusal to comply will result in being forced to go and live in Geneva and undergo severe ideological retraining.
9. FC Sion can sign who they want, when they want and how they want.
Refusal to comply will result in being forced to go and live in Geneva and undergo severe ideological retraining whilst playing for Grand-Lancy.
10. The creation of a new “Constantin Super League”.
The Constantin Super League will consist of only one team – FC Sion- who will start every season with 136 points and then play a team made up of the most clinically obese people in Valais at home every weekend. To win the Constantin Super League is to be considered a greater honour than the World Cup or the Champions League. The Constantin Cup will also be handed out on an annual basis to FC Sion. The winner of the Constantin Cup will play the Winner of Constantin Super League in the Constantin Super Cup final.